Feel safe, receive support, see your resources, become more free – close relationships allow you to remain yourself and at the same time develop and grow. But not everyone can dare and dare to take place. How to overcome traumatic experience and again dare to a serious relationship, says family psychologist Varvara Sidorov.
To enter into close relationships means inevitable to take risk. After all, for this we need to open to another person, to be defenseless in front of him. If he responds to us with misunderstanding or rejects us, we will inevitably suffer. Each one or another has such a traumatic experience.
But we, despite this – who is reckless, who carefully – we go to this risk again, strive for intimacy. For what?
“Emotional proximity is the basis of our being,” says the family psychotherapist Varvara Sidorov. – She can give us a precious sense of safety (and security, in turn, strengthens intimacy). For us, this means: I have support, protection, refuge. I will not be lost, I can act bolder and freer in the outside world “.
Reveal yourself
Our lover becomes our mirror, in which we can see ourselves in a new light: better, more beautiful, smarter, worthy, which we thought about ourselves. When a loved one believes in us, it inspires, inspires, gives us strength to grow.
“At the institute, I considered myself a gray mouse, in public I was afraid to open my mouth. And he was a star of our course. And all the beauties suddenly preferred me! I could speak with him and even argue for hours. It turned out that everything that I was thinking about with myself is interesting to someone else. He helped me believe that I was standing as a person. This student novel has changed my life, ”recalls 39-year-old Valentine.
When we find that we are not alone, that we are valuable and interesting for the other significant, this gives us support
“When we find that we are not alone, that we are valuable and interesting for another significant, this gives us a support,” comments Varvara Sidorov. – As a result, we can move on, think, develop. We begin to boldly experiment, mastering the world “. So the support that gives us intimacy works.
Take criticism
But the “mirror” can be highlighted by our flaws, shortcomings that we did not want to notice in ourselves or did not even know about them.
It is difficult for us to come to terms with the fact that the close to another does not accept everything in us, so such discoveries are especially painful, however, it is much more difficult to brush off from them.
“Once he told me:“ You know what your problem is? You have no opinion!”For some reason, this phrase hurt me a lot. Although I did not immediately understand what he meant. I mentally returned to her all the time. Gradually I admitted that he was right: I was very afraid to show myself the real. I began to learn to say no and defend my position. It turned out that this is not so scary, ”the 34-year-old Elizabeth shares.
“I don’t know people who have no opinion,” says Varvara Sidorov. -But someone keeps him
with him, believes that a priori is more important and more valuable. This happens when one of the two is so important that for her sake he is ready to abandon himself, merge with his partner. And it’s good when a partner gives a hint: build your boundaries. But, of course, you need to have courage and courage to hear, to realize and start changing ”.